Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Yaaaarrrrrrgggg: A Pirate Story

Once upon a midnight dreaming there was a pirate named Fredericbeard the Non-Molten.

Now Frederic was a nasty soul. With foul smelling breath due to his rotten teeth (he flatly refused any sort of breath freshener) and his bad washing habits (only if it rains hard enough) he was only slightly more liked than Darren the Hook-Footed*.

Fredric was one of these pirates who had no love of parrots. A strange hatred for a pirate true, but many a time Frederic was seen lining up a rivals parrot and cutting it down with his first volly from his pistol before attacking the owner.

You see Frederic was the son of a pet shop owner.

And the one animal in a pet shop that is always despised is the parrot. It has an uncanny ability to see everything and to only relate the bad things that happen in front of it. It is the natural alarm system. Always belived by the police and totally unfalable.

An example: One evening while working back late Frederic was cleaning out the kittens cage. A chore he loved, as kittens are furry and snugglesome. He had the kittens stuffed down his top, and they were wriggling round. Frederic triped due to the tickleing of the fur and knocked open the dogs cage. Frederic took a nasty savaging protecting the kittens from the enraged dog before he managed to push the dog back into the cage.
The next morning when asked if anything had happened over night the parrot did not respond.

On the other hand, the last night Frederic ever worked in his fathers pet store, while once again cleaning the cats cage he tripped and this time fell and squashed a kitten hidden in his tunic. The youl was horrendous before the silence. (This is the major reason no Pirates are to be found with cats on their shoulders, the first thing Frederic did in his pirating carear was hunt down all cat owning pirates and "liberated" the beasts from their incarseration.)
In his fear, for his father was an unforgiving man, Frederic let the dog out so that he would eat the cat and either remove the evidence or be blamed for the death.
The parrot had other ideas though, upon being asked who killed the cat it squarked "Frederic, Frederic."
Mortified and mentally scared Frederic left his home and all he knew, taking his only friend, his fish named Bob, and started roaming the earth growing a beard and a reputation so that when he again emerged into the world he was Fredericbeard the Non-Molten scourge of the fine dining set and friend of no man.

Not many would call the site of a foul smelling man wearing rags and a sword, with a dishevelled beard and a fish tank on his left shoulder scary. These people don't know Fredericbeard the Non-Molten. For he is the most feared of all of the land pirates of the Pacific Rim.

*Being a hook-footed person is easier than you might think, it relies on a great deal of balance and dexterity, but it is very easy to pick things up off the ground. Darren the Hook-footed had the problem of having the uncanny ability ruining any soccer ball in his near vicinity. And if there is one thing we all know, it is that pirates love their soccer matches. But in general if soccer balls are not involved hook-footed people are some of the most loved in history. Just look at Harrold and Geoffry, both with hook feet and both so famous I need not talk about them any more.

2 Comments:

At 4:16 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I lack the talent to compose such a masterpiece, I will pass the time that I have left here today by twiddling my thumbs and singing do de do de do de do.

 
At 11:54 am, Blogger Tallgirl said...

I can identify with your character here since I also hate parrots - well birds in general really. Athough I have no such tragic story of parrot betrayal to justify my hatred.

 

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